The Onion

The Evening News is Beijing's most popular newspaper, claiming a circulation of 1.25 million. After her marriage to her German cousin, Prince Albert, the custom became even more widespread. sports franchises' threats to leave their home city unless new stadiums are built for them. All the presents being placed round the trees...". The article is a parody of U.S. Queen Victoria as a child was familiar with the custom, in her journal for Christmas Eve 1832, the delighted 13-year-old Princess wrote: "After dinner...we then went into the drawing-room near the dining-room...There were two large round tables on which were placed two trees hung with lights and sugar ornaments. Congress's threats to leave Washington for Memphis, Tennessee or Charlotte, North Carolina unless Washington, DC built them a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. In Britain, the Christmas tree was introduced by King George III's German Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, but did not spread much beyond the royal family.

Just after the 2000 U.S. During the 17th century, the custom entered family homes. In 1998, controversial minister Fred Phelps posted the Onion article '98 Homosexual-recruitment drive nearing goal on his God Hates Fags website as proof that homosexuals were indeed actively trying to get straight people to join their ranks. The city of Riga, Latvia claims to be home of the first holiday tree, an octagonal plaque in the town square reads "The First New Years Tree in Riga in 1510", in eight different languages. Upon occasion the straight-faced manner in which the Onion reports non-existent happenings has resulted in outside parties mistakenly citing Onion stories as real news. Another early reference is from Basel, where the taylor apprentices carried around town a tree decorated with apples and cheese in 1597. The Onion's coverage of the September 11, 2001 attacks less than two weeks following the attacks was one of the earliest satirical reactions to those attacks, and was considered for a Pulitzer Prize. It can be traced to 16th century Germany; Ingeborg Weber-Keller (Marburg professor of European ethnology) identified as the earliest reference a Bremen guild chronicle of 1570 which reports how a small fir was decorated with apples, nuts, dates, pretzels and paper flowers, and erected in the guild-house, for the benefit of the guild members' children, who collected the dainties on Christmas day.

As of 2004 the paper's founders are publishers of other weeklies: Keck of the Seattle weekly The Stranger and Johnson of Albuquerque's Weekly Alibi. Patron trees (for example, the Irminsul, Thor's Oak and the figurative Yggdrasil) held special significance for the ancient Germanic tribes, appearing throughout historic accounts as sacred symbols and objects. In early 2001, the company relocated its offices to New York City. A branch of flowering Glastonbury thorn is still sent annually for the Queen's Christmas table in the United Kingdom. A possible origin for its name is a mispronunciation of "The Union", which is a fairly common name for a legitimate paper. Medieval legends, nevertheless, tended to concentrate more on the miraculous "flowering" of trees at Christmas time. The Onion remained a regional success until it began its website in 1996. In Roman mosaics from what is today Tunisia, showing the mythic triumphant return from India of the Greek god of wine and male fertility, Dionysus (dubbed by some modern scholars as a life-death-rebirth deity), the god carries a tapering coniferous tree.

The Onion was founded in 1988 and originally published in Madison, Wisconsin by two juniors at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Tim Keck and Christopher Johnson; they sold it to colleagues the following year. The Christmas tree is often explained as a Christianization of the ancient pagan idea that the evergreen tree represents a celebration of the renewal of life. The regular contributors include:. After the holidays, dead trees can be put to other uses:. Each issue features columns by (fictional) regular and guest writers. These tips will ensure the tree will stay fresh for several weeks. Past writers have included Max Cannon, Rich Dahm, Tim Harrod, David Javerbaum, Ben Karlin, Carol Kolb, Robert Siegel, and Jack Szwergold. This tradition seems to be limited mostly to the United States.

Herman Zweibel (Zwiebel is German for onion), who has "held the position since 1901" and is rather insane; the real editor is currently Scott Dikkers, the managing editor is Peter Koechley, and the current writing staff comprises Todd Hanson, Maria Schneider, John Krewson, Joe Garden, and Chris Karwowski, as well as the graphics work of Mike Loew and Chad Nackers. Flocking can be done with a professional sprayer at a tree lot (or the manufacturer if it is artificial), or at home from a spray can, and either can be rather messy. The Onion's fictional editor is T. Typically it would be sprayed all over the tree from the sides, which produced a look different from real snow, which settles in clumps atop branches. . In the 1980s some trees were sprayed with fluffy white flocking to simulate snow. Both print and online editions of The Onion are published on Wednesdays. A plain mat of fabric or plastic may also be placed under the stand and skirt to protect the floor from scratches or water.

The staff of the Onion have also produced numerous books, including Our Dumb Century, Finest News Reporting, and Dispatches from the Tenth Circle. Generally, the difference between a mat and skirt is simply that a mat is placed under the tree stand, while a skirt is placed over it, having a hole in the middle for the trunk, with a slot cut to the outside edge so that it can be placed around the tree (beneath the branches) easily. As well:. As Christmas presents arrive, they are generally placed underneath the tree on the tree skirt (depending on tradition, all Christmas gifts, or those too large to be hung on the tree, as in "presents on the tree" of the song "White Christmas"). The newspaper was revamped on August 31, 2005, which changed the layout of the website homepage. A nativity scene, model train, or Christmas village may be placed on the mat or skirt. Regular features of The Onion include:. What began as ordinary cloth has now often become much more ornate, some having embroidery or being put together like a quilt.

Club blogs and reader forums, and presents itself as an almost-separate entity from The Onion itself. Even when dripless candles, electric lights and artificial trees have been used, a skirt is still usually used as a decorative feature: among other things, it hides the tree stand, which may be unsightly but which is an important safety feature of home trees. Club has its own domain, includes its own regular features (including weekly sex advice column Savage Love), A.V. Since candles were used to light trees until electric bulbs came about, a mat (UK) or "skirt" (US) was often placed on the floor below the tree to protect it by catching the dripping candle wax, and also to collect any needles that fall. The online incarnation of The A.V. Many people also decorate outdoor trees with food that birds and other wildlife will enjoy, such as garlands made from unsalted popcorn or cranberries, orange halves, and seed-covered suet cakes. The print edition also contains previews of upcoming live entertainment specific to cities where a print edition is published. Conversely, trees decorated by professional designers for department stores and other institutions will usually have a "theme"; a set of predominant colours, multiple instances of each type of ornament, and larger decorations that may be more complicated to set up correctly.

It parodies traditional newspaper features and styles. Delicate mould-blown and painted coloured glass Christmas ornaments were a specialty of Czech glass factories from the late 19th century, and have since become a large industry, complete with famous-name designers. The Onion's articles comment on current events, both real and imagined (an example of the latter: "All Americans Issued Life Jackets for Some Reason"). Tinsel and several types of garland or ribbon are commonly used to decorate a Christmas tree. Paul, Denver/Boulder, and San Francisco. Organically grown Christmas trees are available in some markets, and as with many other crops, are widely held to be better for the environment. As of May 2005 its print editions are distributed in Madison, Milwaukee, New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis-St. In some cases management of Christmas tree crops can result in poor habitat since it involves heavy input of pesticides and herbicides.

It contains satirical articles as well as a general entertainment section. Live trees are typically grown as a crop and replanted in rotation after cutting, often providing suitable habitat for wildlife. The Onion is a parody newspaper published weekly in print and on the Internet. Real trees also help reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere while growing. "Embedded in America": The Onion Ad Nauseam Complete News Archives Volume 16 (2005, ISBN 1400054567). Real trees are used only for a short time, but can be recycled and used as mulch or used to prevent erosion [2]. "Fanfare for the Area Man": The Onion Ad Nauseam Complete News Archives Volume 15 (2004, ISBN 1400054559). Artificial trees can be used for many years, but are usually non-recyclable, ending up in landfills.

The Onion's Finest News Reporting, Volume 1 (2000, ISBN 0609804634). Artificial trees are usually made out of PVC, a toxic material which is often stabilised with lead. Our Dumb Century: The Onion Presents 100 Years of Headlines from America's Finest News Source (1999, ISBN 0609804618). There is some debate as to whether artificial or real trees are better for the environment. Gorzo the Mighty, the Emperor of the Universe, villain in the style of 1930s science fiction. Real potted ones are often sold like this, and artificial ones often come with a "root ball" but only sometimes with decorations. Jackie Harvey, a ridiculously uninformed media critic who writes the column The Outside Scoop. A long-standing and simple gimmick is conifer seedlings sold with cheap decorations attached by soft pipe cleaners.

Jean Teasdale, an overweight nerdish woman with kitsch tastes, whose constantly upbeat attitude always finds the bright side of her otherwise depressing white trash life. Past gimmicks include small talking or singing trees, and trees which blow "snow" (actually small styrofoam beads) over themselves, collecting them in a decorative cardboard bin at the bottom and blowing them back up to the top through a tube hidden next to the trunk. Smoove B, a smooth talking ladies' man who insists on the best of everything for his dates. Retailers also claimed that the trees were popular because they allowed larger presents to be placed beneath the trees. Herbert Kornfeld, Accounts Receivable Supervisor, a white man with a boring desk job who speaks in gangsta rap-isms and ebonics. Customers then wanted to replicate the inverted tree. He is similar to the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. They were originally sold as decorations for merchants that allowed customers to get closer to ornaments being sold.

Larry Groznic, an overweight geek with an obsession for subcultural fandoms. In 2005 inverted trees became popular. Jim Anchower, a slacker and stoner with a different job every few weeks, whose musical tastes are stuck in 1970s rock and roll. Some are instead lit partly or completely by fibre optics, with the light in the base, and a rotating colour wheel causing various colours to shimmer across the tree. Jackie Harvey was given his own blog. Since the late 1990s, many indoor artificial trees come pre-strung with lights. A daily fictional stock market analysis titled "Stock Watch", a web opinion poll titled "QuickPoll", and "National News Highlights" of three regional stories, were added. Some skyscrapers will tell certain offices to leave their lights on (and others off) at night during December, creating a Christmas tree pattern.

"In the News" was retitled "From the Print Edition". A few hotels and other buildings, both public and private, will string lights up from the roof to the top of a small tower on top of the building, so that at night it appears as a lit Christmas tree, often using green or other coloured lights. "What Do You Think?" became "American Voices," with the question updated daily, and only three responders each day. These lights are usually white, but often are green, red, red/green, blue/white, blue, or multicoloured, and sometimes with a small controller to fade colours back and forth. Up until August 31, 2005, one of them was almost always a "systems analyst.". lawns in the 2000s, along with 1990s spiral ones that hang from a central pole, both styles being lighted with standard miniature lights. "What Do You Think?", a survey showing photos of the same six people, although their names and professions change every week. Outdoor branched trees made out of heavy white-enameled steel wires have become more popular on U.S.

"In the News" photograph and caption with no accompanying story (such as "Frederick's of Anchorage Debuts Crotchless Long Underwear", "National Association Advances Colored Person"). Other artificial trees which look nothing like a conifer except for the triangular or conical shape, are also used as tabletop decorations, such as a stack of ornaments. "The ONION in History": a front page produced in the look of newspapers of an earlier era, satirizing that earlier style and content (these are all taken from the book "Our Dumb Century"). More recent tinsel trees can be used fairly safely with lights. Cynical horoscopes. They were instead lit by a spotlight or floodlight, often with a motorised rotating color wheel in front of it. Random and bizarre editorials. They were aluminium-coated paper, meaning that they also posed a great fire hazard if lights were put directly on them (warnings to this effect are still issued with most christmas tree lights).

Point-Counterpoint. The first trees which were not green were the metallic trees of the 1950s and 1960s. "Infographic"), with a bulleted list of items on a theme. Around 2003, some trees with molded-plastic branches started selling in the U.S.. The "Infograph" (a.k.a. Better trees also have more branch tips, the number usually listed on the box. "STATshot", an illustrated statistical snapshot which parodies "USA Today Snapshots". Most of the better trees have branches hinged to the pole, though the less-expensive ones generally still come separately.

Many trees now come in "slim" versions, to fit in smaller spaces. These trees have become a little more realistic every year, with a few deluxe trees containing multiple branch styles. Many also have very short brown "needles" wound in with the longer green ones, to imitate the branch itself or the bases that each group of pine (but not other conifer) needles grows from. Those first trees looked like long-needled pine trees, but later trees use flat PVC sheets to make the needles.

Each row of branches is a different size, colour coded at the base with paint or stickers for ease of assembly. The bases of the branches were then twisted together to form a large branch, which was then inserted by the user into a wooden pole (now metal with plastic rings) for a trunk. They were made the same way, using animal hair (mainly pig bristles) and later plastic bristles, dyed pine-green colour, inserted between twisted wires that form the branches. The first modern artificial Christmas trees were produced by companies which made brushes.

in 1913, in the Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog. The first feather trees came to the U.S. Originating in Germany in the 19th century to prevent further deforestation, these "minimalist" trees show off small ornaments very well. The first artificial trees were tabletop feather trees, made from green-dyed goose feathers wound onto sticks drilled into a larger one, like the branches on a tree.

They may also be necessary for people who have an allergy to conifers, and are increasingly popular in office settings. Artificial trees are sometimes even a necessity in some rented homes (especially apartment flats), due to the potential fire danger from a dried-out real tree, leading to their prohibition by some landlords. In the U.S., about 70% of trees are now artificial. At the end of the Christmas season artificial trees can be diassembled and stored compactly, but some artificial-tree owners simply store the whole decorated tree covered in a large bag, ready for the next year.

Trees come in a number of colours and "species", and some come pre-decorated with coloured lights. Artificial trees are very popular, particularly in the U.S., where despite their lack of realism (both in looks and scent), they are considered more convenient and (if used for several years) less expensive than real trees. In the UK, The British Christmas Tree Growers Association represents the interests of all those who grow Christmas trees in Great Britain and Northern Ireland. In the past, Christmas trees were often harvested from wild forests, but now almost all are commercially grown on tree farms.

The shearing also damages the highly attractive natural symmetry of unsheared trees. European tradition prefers the open aspect of naturally-grown, unsheared trees, while in North America (outside much of the Rockies) there is a preference for close-sheared trees with denser foliage, but less space to hang decorations. Others are produced in a container and sometimes as topiary for a porch or patio. These trees must be kept inside only for a few days, as the warmth will bring them out of dormancy, leaving them little protection when put back outside into the midwinter cold in most areas.

However, the combination of root loss on digging, and the indoor environment of high temperature and low humidity is very detrimental to the tree's health, and the survival rate of these trees is low. Some trees are sold live with roots and soil, often from a nursery, to be planted later outdoors and enjoyed (and often decorated) for years or decades. Norfolk Island pine is sometimes used, particularly in the Oceania region, and in Australia some species of the genera Casuarina and Allocasuarina are also occasionally used as Christmas trees. The long-needled Eastern White Pine is also used there.

Virginia Pine is still available on some tree farms in the southeastern United States, however it has poor winter colour and sharp needles. Less-traditional conifers are sometimes used, such as Giant Sequoia, Leyland Cypress and Eastern Juniper. Several other species are used to a lesser extent. and in North America:.

Commonly used species in northern Europe (including the UK) are:. The best species for use are species of fir (Abies), which have the major benefit of not shedding the needles when they dry out, as well as good foliage colour and scent; but species in other genera are also used. Both natural and artificial trees are used as Christmas trees. In Germany, the Catholic people takes their Christmas trees down by the 2nd of February.

In Europe, private Christmas trees are not usually put up until at least the middle of December and are usually taken down by the 6th of January. In more northern climates and into Canada, the tree (if not too dry) and other decorations are left up well into January. homes is to put the tree up right after Thanksgiving (the fourth Thursday in November) and to take it down right after the New Year. The most common tradition in U.S.

Modern commercialisation of Christmas has however resulted in trees being put up much earlier; in shops often as early as late October. Traditionally, Christmas trees were not brought in and decorated until Christmas Eve (24 December), and then removed the day after twelfth night (i.e., 6 January); to have a tree up before or after these dates was even considered bad luck. . It is normally an evergreen coniferous tree that is brought into a home or used in the open, and is decorated with Christmas lights and colourful ornaments during the days around Christmas.

A Christmas tree is one of the most popular traditions associated with the celebration of Christmas. In coastal areas, trees can be used to protect sand dunes from erosion. Trees can be cut into small pieces and use for mulch or composted; some cities offer this service to their residents. Use the tree as a bean or pea support pole.

Use needles in a sachet. Use your tree as a bird feeder, hanging suet balls or other food from the branches. Place your tree away from heat sources, including radiators and windows that get a lot of direct sunlight. Only use plain water; research shows that additives such as sugar, cola and aspirin do more harm than good.

Check it daily. Make sure your tree has a sturdy Christmas tree stand that holds 4-6 litres of water. This allows the tree to continue taking up water, by removing the resin-soaked wood at the original cut. Just before placing it in the stand, cut 2-3 centimeters off the trunk.

Before taking your tree inside, gently bang the tree on its stump several times to dislodge any loose needles. If possible, the night before decorating, bring the tree into a partially heated area to allow it to adjust gradually to temperature changes. If decoration is not planned immediately, store the tree in a cool environment protected from the sun and wind. When transporting the tree, protect it from wind and road salts by covering it with plastic.

Stone Pine Pinus pinea (as small table-top trees). Scots Pine Pinus sylvestris. Douglas-fir Pseudotsuga menziesii. Red Fir Abies magnifica.

Noble Fir Abies procera. Fraser Fir Abies fraseri. Balsam Fir Abies balsamea. Scots Pine Pinus sylvestris.

Serbian Spruce Picea omorika. Norway Spruce Picea abies (generally the cheapest). Noble Fir Abies procera. Nordmann Fir Abies nordmanniana (as in the photo).

Silver Fir Abies alba (the original species).